May 22-23: Ganyu and Kachasu

Despite having ample time to do so, I ended up not writing yesterday. There’s really not much to tell. It was a chill day where we just hung around the Oasis and worked on our assignments for the course.

For breakfast, I had about 4 small pieces of potato. For anyone who doesn’t know me that well, I don’t like most breakfast foods. At home, I’ll often end up eating something that other people would never eat for breakfast. So I’m looking forward to going home and having access to more breakfast options. In particular, I’m excited to make myself some French Toast. That’s the newest addition to a growing list of food that I’m planning to eat when I get home. Carrots and hummus were added first, followed by tortellini and chocolate cake (likely acquired from Elgin Street Diner because they have the best chocolate cake I’ve found in Ottawa).

My highlight of the day yesterday was that Marlo let me buy some minutes off her and I got to talk to my family since they were all together for the long May weekend. I’m always sad to miss those sorts of gatherings, so it was nice to check in.

This morning we had a lecture about ganyu, which is a form of labour that’s pretty common in Malawi. It’s a short-term form of labour that’s usually higher-class people employing lower-class people, but the way it’s evolved historically has turned it into quite an exploitative form of labour. We also discussed kachasu, which is distilled alcohol like that which we saw in the informal settlement. Both ganyu and kachasu play pretty compelling roles in the spread of HIV/AIDS, particularly during times of economic hardship and famine. Ganyu, particularly in urban settings, is often associated with transactional sex. Women will go out in search of ganyu, but they will find a man who will offer them money for sex and work or just sex, and they are often in need of the money. A particular challenge is that these women are often not in a position to negotiate for safe sex, so they are vulnerable to contracting HIV/AIDS. The exploitative nature of ganyu also keeps poor people in poverty, which could mean that they may turn to transactional sex to get by, and/or they will be unable to afford condoms. I feel like that’s an oversimplification of ganyu and its link to HIV/AIDS, but it gives you a brief idea of a very complex issue. Kachasu is extremely potent, accessible, and cheap, so it is easy for people to get drunk. Based on its historical roots, it’s mostly manufactured by women and sold to men. Places that sell kachasu often also sell sex, where the proprietor acts as either a prostitute or a pimp. This may be a bit of a simplification, but being drunk also doesn’t lead to safe sexual practices, so HIV/AIDS is also spread through kachasu use.

After the lecture, the group split up in town for lunch. Natalee and I went to get pizza, which was a great choice. My pizza had chicken, mushrooms, green peppers, pineapple, and corn… a pizza that I would never construct in Canada, but that ended up being delicious. Our group had planned to go to “The Swahili Market,” where we had heard you could buy fabric. Unfortunately, Natalee and I didn’t know where the market was, and we didn’t know where people had gone for lunch. So we wandered to Shoprite and used the Airtel wifi to message some people in our group who have data. As we were standing there, a local who often tries to sell things to our group, named Georgie Porgie (that’s how he introduced himself to us…), came over and started talking to us. We explained that our group was at the Swahili market and that we were trying to get there. He said that he was also going to that market and that he’d walk with us. It ended up being closer than we’d thought, probably only a 15 minute walk from Shoprite. On the way, Georgie told us that the President of Malawi is coming to Mzuzu today to open a bank here and a hospital in Nkhata Bay. Of course, when we got to the market, he wanted to sell us things, so we bought a couple of small things from him and said goodbye. It didn’t take us long to find some of our classmates, but they were planning to leave not long after we arrived. Natalee and I are planning to go back and look around some time because we ended up only being at the market for about 15 minutes. There’s a lot of beautiful fabric there, I’m just not sure if I’ll buy any since I’m unsure that I’ll actually wear it. I don’t really wear patterns…

After a quick stop at Shoprite for wifi and water, we headed home. The remainder of the day was spent at The Oasis, doing school work and relaxing. Erin, Aileen, and Sally got home after dark, and we were a bit concerned. But it turned out that they’d waited around to see the President arrive in town! Apparently he’s giving a speech at Mzuzu University tomorrow, and depending on what we’re doing tomorrow (if the weather’s nice, we might go to the beach, if not, we’ll have class and a free afternoon), we’re considering asking Paul if we can go.

I’ve gotten into the habit of buying crappy snack food at Shoprite and eating it. I’m really looking forward to getting home and back to eating normal food.

That’s all for now, folks!

-Jen

FOMO & Social Anxiety

This post isn’t associated with a particular date because it’s a thinking/ rambling post. If you’re just reading this blog to learn about Malawi or more specifically my time in Malawi, you can probably skip this whole post because it won’t tell you much.

I’m not entirely certain where this post is headed (despite conducting a fair amount of pre-writing thinking), so first off, I’ll explain part of the title. For any of you who aren’t up-to-date on the crazy vocabulary expected by the Internet, FOMO stands for Fear Of Missing Out. People use this acronym in the context of not being included in some sort of social media post or event, though it is also extended to real life experiences. It’s basically an expression of anxiety that people are doing things and having fun and you’re not a part of it. At least that’s my understanding of the concept; I’m hardly Internet savvy, and I could be way off base. But that definition is applicable to this post, so that’s the one we’re going with!

I personally haven’t experienced much FOMO since being introduced to the concept. Usually, I can write off any concern by telling myself that I likely enjoyed what I was doing at the time more than whatever it was that I missed. This has been significantly more challenging at The Oasis, since you can literally hear at all times the fun you are missing when you are not participating. It’s been a challenge for me to balance spending time with people and taking time to myself so I can enjoy spending time with people (hopefully that was clear), since it’s tempting to go out to the main room whenever people are chatting or laughing out there.

In my mind, this was pretty closely linked to social anxiety. From a clinical standpoint, social anxiety is derived from the concern that you will do something in a social situation that will cause others to negatively evaluate you. This can lead people with social anxiety to avoid social situations or certain social settings. My personal experience with social anxiety has been pretty similar to this clinical definition, though I recognize that’s not true for everyone.

On this trip, like with most groups of people, I’ve observed some judgments being passed by the group. Someone will say or do something, and either at that time or later, furtive glances will be cast with smirks, or remarks will be made when the person is absent. I generally notice these sorts of things because at camp, our staff works so hard to be inclusive and avoid gossip. Having experienced social interactions without exclusive behaviour has made me more aware of it, I guess. Either way, these exclusive behaviours that quietly denigrate one of the group members make me really anxious because each time it happens, all I can think is, “Do they do and say these things about me behind my back?” The rational part of my brain notes that if they do, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I shouldn’t worry about it. But the anxiety-run part of my brain thinks, “I need to not do anything in their presence to bring about such judgment.”

I took some time after writing that to think about the ways in which FOMO and my social anxiety interact, since they’re intricate and challenging to explain. I haven’t made a lot of progress. I guess the simplest way to explain it is that I want to spend time with people because FOMO is wreaking havoc on my social anxiety (telling me that by not participating, I’ll be negatively evaluated as a shut-in), but I also am unsure about spending time with people because I can feel anxious when I’m around them.

The way I’ve written about this may have made it seem more serious than it is. Most of the time, I feel quite comfortable around this group and am able to interact without my anxiety acting up. That being said, there are moments. I spent some time talking about this post with Natalee, because I don’t want it to in any way imply that I have issues with people in the class, particularly because that’s incorrect. I think the easiest way to explain it is that when you have a group of people who didn’t really know each other before spending pretty much all their time together, there is bound to be conflict and exclusiveness. I know that everyone is making a concerted effort to reduce the instances of both those things. Whenever you spend a lot of time with the same people, you’re bound to see all aspects of each person’s personality. The challenge it has presented us with on this trip is whether we can accept and appreciate each of those aspects in each other, regardless of whether we like them or not.

To me, my social anxiety has become an aspect of my being. It’s not one I share particularly often (though after this post, many more people in my life will be aware that it’s an issue for me, so I’m sure I’ll be talking about it more from here on out), but I’ve come to accept it as a part of who I am. I guess the best I can do is hope that my classmates, as well as the people in my life back home, can see that part of me and accept it.

-Jen

May 21: BLISS

I was originally worried that today was not going to be good. I got less than 6 hours of sleep last night, which was concerning since I’d been feeling tired for the past few days. But today ended being amazing.

While I woke up around 9, I didn’t get out of bed until about 10. I took a shower and then headed out to breakfast to discover that Felita and Chancey had made SCONES. For any of you who are unaware, I LOVE SCONES. I don’t actually eat them all that often, but when we have them at camp, I’ll often seek out leftovers if possible. This was the second time they’d made us scones and I was so pleased. They were sooooooo good.

I mostly read and killed time until our shuttle came around 1:30. We stopped at Shoprite (of course!), where I employed my new tactic of going to the nearby Airtel to mooch their free wifi while everyone else shops. It’s a stellar technique because it provides an opportunity for me to check about med school pretty much every day and briefly check my facebook messages. Once everyone was done, we piled back in the bus, grabbed a couple of the students from the other house, and headed toward the beach! This time, we stopped en route at a craft market, which was really interesting. There were a lot of handcrafted wooden artifacts, and you knew they were really handmade because each stall had some partly made ones lying in the corner. After a quick (but very efficient for many people) shop, we continued onto the beach. In the end, we stopped not at a beach, but at a lodge that was on a bay. This is another experience that I couldn’t do justice no matter how long I spent trying, but I’ll just do my best.

This lodge is owned by a couple from the UK who’ve owned the property for 18 years. They’ve adopted 3 adorable Malawian children, and they have at least 2 (domesticated!!) dogs and 2 (semi-domesticated?) cats. These were the first animals we’ve seen that we felt comfortable petting, so we all really enjoyed that. The really amazing part of this lodge, though, was its natural beauty. Each hut was built into the hill, so it looked out onto the bay and still somewhat blended into the lush fauna surrounding it. There were a bunch of stone steps and pathways leading between all the different huts associated with the lodge, though we spent most of our time in the dining hall. Alex and Aileen discovered that they had free boats, so most of our class ended up taking boats out. At different parts of the afternoon/ evening, I got to paddleboard, canoe (originally I was sitting princess, which I hated. After not too long, I got to move to steer, which pleased me), and swim. It was EXACTLY what I needed today; some fun and exercise in an absolutely stunning setting. At one point, I was paddleboarding around as the sun set, and the clouds reflected its light, shifting from yellow to orange to pink. Unbelievable, really. Hopefully unforgettable, too. Being in the lake means that I’ll have to take an antibiotic, but it was 100% worth it. Eventually, the sky was starting to darken, so we decided it was time to make our way to shore. By that time, we’d all basically abandoned the boats, and I think I might have been the only one who knew how to get back into a canoe from the water, so we didn’t bother. Kelsey and I swam one canoe to shore, and Akkila and Natalee took the other. When we got to shore, Akkila and Natalee were talking about what a workout it was, but I think my time swimming with Mars has benefitted me because I found it rejuvenating rather than tiring.

Once we’d all dried off, we got smoothies – I got banana honey, which was phenomenal (this day was so great that I’m running out of positive adjectives!) – and eventually dinner. The food was amazing! And on our tables they had lanterns that appeared to be turned on by a magnet…I couldn’t quite figure it out. I’ll have to explain the concept more in-depth to someone who understands science better than me so they can tell me.

Another highlight of the day was the bus rides. I’ve often been using the bus rides as solitude time, where I think and/or listen to music. But today, Mary, Marlo, Natalee, and I listened to music together and talked and it was a lot of fun. It also occurred to me that an experience that would have terrified me 2 weeks ago is now completely normal: I’ve gotten used to sitting on a seat without a back and with no seat belt as the bus I’m in flies along a road with pedestrians without streetlamps at night. This is just a Saturday night now.

I’m hoping to get a good night’s sleep today now that I got some real exercise other than strength training, dancing, and walking. I’m also in such a good mood that I’m expecting to sleep well.

-Jen

May 20: Week 2 of Classes Done!

It’s hard to believe that this trip is about 2/3 of the way over. Time has been playing its usual game, so it feels both like I just got here yesterday and also like I’ve been here for a month. I’m pretty torn between trying to get every last moment of enjoyment from this trip and starting to be ready to go home.

Today (lies, I’m writing this on Saturday, but for clarity’s sake, I’ll say ‘today’ because otherwise I’ll get confused) started off with a class at the Ekwendeni Clinic on the outskirts of Mzuzu. I originally thought we were taking a tour of the clinic, but we were receiving a lecture from the coordinator of their orphan care program. In my mind, that was better in some ways. The lecture was probably my favourite so far. Esther, the woman who runs the program, spoke so passionately about the effect HIV/AIDS has had on children in Malawi and what can be done to improve their circumstances. She’s also a really spunky woman. A particularly interesting moment was when she was talking about how things were before ARVs were funded by the Global Fund. She was spending $3000/ month to buy ONE patient ARVs, and eventually that wasn’t feasible for the centre anymore, so they employed the patient so she could buy her own ARVs. Not much later, ARVs were subsidized, but that woman continued to work for the centre, travelling around to advocate for education and testing for HIV/AIDS. Then Esther said, “And that was Maria,” and indicated the woman who had been sitting quietly in the corner throughout the lecture. That was the first time most of us knowingly met someone with HIV/AIDS, so I really liked how she introduced it. She told us many positive things about Maria and her work rather than introducing her as someone with HIV/AIDS: this is in line with what I’ve learned about all kinds of illnesses, where to remove the stigma, you need to remove the label (i.e. person suffering from schizophrenia rather than a schizophrenic person).

After the class, Esther offered us the opportunity to get tested at the clinic. Sadly, I didn’t realize that we could observe the process without getting tested, so I missed out on this part. I decided not to get tested for 2 reasons: 1. I don’t want to use the limited resources they have here when someone else could benefit from the test, and 2. While I know there’s basically no chance that I have HIV/AIDS, either a false positive or getting that news would be destructive to my mental health while on another continent. The students who got tested (10/18, I think) told me a bit about the process, and it sounded really interesting. There’s significantly more counselling here before/ after the test than in Canada, which I think is a detriment of the Canadian system. While we do have significantly fewer people testing positive, those people are likely still facing many of the same emotions as people here. To me, any incurable illness diagnosis should be accompanied by some sort of counselling; that just seems intuitive.

Once everyone had gotten tested, we split up in town and got lunch, though most of us ended up at the same restaurant, so it was another long affair. We didn’t get home until about 3, and I spent the following hours reading the book Natalee lent me and taking a nap. In the evening, we went to the ‘disco’ again. I considered not going because of how tired I was, but I was glad I did because I ended up having fun. Overall, the evening was less fun than last week. Partly, that was due to the demographic at the disco. This week, there were significantly fewer women, so we were quite a focus of attention. In particular, there was an older white man (old as in white hair) who just stood against a pillar, watching us as a woman…danced on him (there’s really no other way to describe it). That was really creepy. That being said, I enjoyed dancing again! Sally, Kelsey, and I headed home about half an hour earlier than everyone else since we were tired. In the end, that was probably a good thing because we’d left quite the mess in the main room, and we’ve learned that if we leave messes, Felita and Chancey (our ladies who clean and cook, whose names I finally asked last weekend) will clean them, so we try to avoid doing that. By the time we’d cleaned and gotten ready for bed, the others had shown up, so sleep was delayed until things quieted down again.

Overall, it was a really long but very interesting day.

-Jen

May 19: I'm so tired

I didn’t sleep well last night. We had a crazy rainstorm, and metal roofs make for really loud rainfall. I was also really warm, so my sleep was pretty disrupted. It probably didn’t help that people I know (luckily not the people closest to me) were dying quite often in my dreams last night. Either way, I didn’t wake up in the best mood. It’s too bad, because I was hoping to shake last night’s funk since I’ve been in such a great mood the whole trip so far.

The day started off with a class where Paul gave us some feedback on our assignments. I’ve been pretty nervous about these assignments because they’re both vague and very specific. I got anxious today about my mark in the class potentially affecting my future (if I’d gotten into med school by now I wouldn’t worry, but with each day that passes, it’s seeming more likely that I won’t be getting in this year. I’m trying to keep chipper about it, but it’s also reality). It turned out that tomorrow was the last day to drop the course without it showing up on my transcript, so I dropped the course today. It’s a bit bizarre, since I’ll still be doing all the work and going to all the classes. I guess it’s like I’m auditing the course. To me, this makes a lot of sense since I don’t need the course for my degree, and I came here for the experience and learning rather than the grade anyway, so I’ll be able to focus more on those if I’m not stressing about my grade. I told Paul that I dropped the course and he seemed okay with it, though he’s not a particularly expressive person, so it’s hard to tell. He said it shouldn’t cause any problems.

The weather wasn’t good enough to go to the beach in the end; apparently the beach we were supposed to go to is in a rainforest-y area, so it’d be very wet after last night’s storm. I wasn’t too upset about that since I wasn’t super energetic. After class, most of us wandered into town to the internet café again. They have really yummy samosas! Natalee and I started doing research on the logistics of doing a safari next weekend before we leave. Paul’s been trying to work on a safari for us, but most places that we’re likely to see anything exciting, we’d need to travel far enough that we’d have to stay overnight. So Natalee and I are looking into going off on our own to see some wildlife! That might be the highlight of my trip if it works out; I love animals and Natalee and I get along really well, so it’d be interesting and fun to travel just the two of us.

This afternoon/ evening, we've all just hung out at the Oasis. Paul organized another BBQ, so we’ve been eating, drinking (Paul restocked our beer fridge. Natalee joked that it was the end of prohibition, since after last weekend he said he wouldn't be restocking it for awhile), playing games, and hanging out. Now that I’m feeling a bit better, Kelsey and I resumed our workouts (joined by Laura!), though I noticed how the sickness of the past few days took a toll on my fitness.

Since I’m tired, I’m sitting in bed writing this at 8:30PM…Livin’ it up, really. Tonight’s going to be an early night for me. That’s all I’ve got to say about today J

Added later: I forgot to include a fun anecdote from earlier today! We were walking to town, which includes a walk past a school. As usual, our presence prompted a chant of “Azungu! Azungu!” I think Azungu and Mazungu are interchangeable, but I’m not sure. However, this time, the chorus of shouts went, “Azungu, Azungu, Azungu China!” The reason why this was funny was because Pat was with us; Pat is half Thai and half Irish…not at all Chinese. But we just thought it was funny that Pat got special mention.

-Jen